I am guessing you want to feel happy, loved and emotionally connected to your loved ones
And why not, isn’t that what we would all like? So why is it so hard to find love?
“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like there’s nobody listening, and live like it’s heaven on earth.”
By William W. Purkey
There seems to be so much pressure and high expectations, from society from yourself to have a partner, to be the other half of a great couple. If you don’t and you live alone you feel that you are perceived by others as being lonely. Maybe that’s how you really feel.
Why? Because you feel you’re not loveable, or that friends keep trying to fix you up with blind dates that don’t work out. Or maybe you feel at the point of screaming, if you have to attend yet another blind date. Secretly though, you would love to meet the right person and be a part of a couple again.
Of course there are the online dating sites, and after all you know a few people that have met the love of their life by being on these sites, and are deemed happier now. But you haven’t been lucky so far. Or you have had many relationships but they have never lasted.
People often say things like “when you stop looking so hard and just get on and enjoy your life, love finds you.” “If you look and act desperate you will just turn prospective partners off and they run a mile.” “ If you don’t keep trying and get yourself out there, you will never find anyone.”
You’re so sick of it all, and yet honestly you really want to meet the love of your life. You think if you could meet the right person your life will be complete. Every year you intensify the search, to find your ideal partner, your soul mate and then you will be blissfully happy.
It’s a really big ask, in my opinion, to look for a partner to fill a void, an emptiness within you. To look for someone else to give you the love, acceptance, self confidence and respect you deserve, if you are unable to love and respect yourself.
So what’s holding you back?
What stops you loving yourself, derailing your self confidence, and looking to others to fill the emptiness, loneliness and feelings of love you so desperately need?
- Being your harshest critic and judge. If this is the case the chances are that you criticise and judge others just as harshly.
- You don’t feel good enough, because you constantly compare yourself to others and seek perfection that doesn’t exist. This can lead to feelings of jealousy, irritation, frustration, even anger over the smallest things.
- You have been hurt so many times before, in life and love, and find it hard to trust in an intimate or any relationship. The result is that you end up pushing people away, as you build up your defenses to them and the outside world. The opposite of what you really want.
- You wear a mask and try to fit in, be that person that you think others will find more acceptable and loveable. You start “people pleasing” and the real you, your wonderful unique self becomes hidden.
Self love is more important than most people realise
When you love accept and forgive yourself, with all of your imperfections you:
- Are more able to talk to yourself in a supportive way, so you start feeling happier.
- Tend to focus on your strengths more, and accept what you are unable to change.
- Are able to feel compassion, empathy, acceptance and forgiveness towards yourself and others. This makes it easier to have deeper more meaningful, authentic relationships.
- Are able to be vulnerable and strong enough to open your heart, knowing that others can’t rock your sense of self.
Learning to get to know and love yourself takes time, and in my opinion there is no quick fix, no magic pill. The reasons why you don’t love or even like yourself much, might be too complex to go into here. However, there is a lot you can do to help yourself.
Three ways to help you get started and make a difference
1. Become more aware of how you speak to yourself – your self talk
Have a few sheets of paper and a pen beside your bed and every morning and evening just write down the thoughts in your head. It is important to keep writing. Don’t stop to read it or think about it or worry about the spelling or grammar. This is just for you and its like cleaning out your mind. Getting it down on paper gets it out of your head to start the day with greater clarity. Throw what you have written away after you are done.
However, If you want to take this a stage further, when you have nothing more to write, you can read what you have written. You will notice that some of what you have written makes no sense, and you can easily drop those thoughts. Job done so to speak.
With all the other thoughts ask yourself is this really true in this moment? Is this way of thinking helping me or derailing my sense of self? What is more true now? Has this really happened or am I imagining what might happen? This is a way of becoming aware of how you talk to yourself. Which gives you an opportunity to challenge your automatic thinking and realise that who you are is not defined by these unsupportive thoughts, that are just perceptions and opinions at best and not truth.
Why is this important? Because how you think determines how you feel about yourself. Your brain loves to make you right, so whatever you think about yourself your brain searches for evidence to make that seem true.
2. Stop comparing yourself to others
You will always find others who have, from your perspective, the perfect relationship, are really happy and have everything you want. Firstly this may not be true. Secondly when you do this you are focussed on what you don’t have and want and that makes you feel a failure, not good enough in all sorts of ways. How can this be helpful? How can this help you feel happy, feel loved?
Would you compare the bamboo and the oak tree? Surely they are very different. Each are unique and has its own beauty and function in the world, and the world would be less rich without them both in it. If we were all the same life would be less diverse, less interesting.
Instead look inside you, get to know your own uniqueness and beauty, find and focus on what you love about yourself. Make a start by getting involved in things that make YOUR heart sing, and not do things just because others are. You will be surprised at what you find out about yourself, what you are good at, what your likes and dislikes are, whilst having fun along the way.
3. Take time to be by yourself
Slow down. Take the time to tune into nature and the beauty in the world around you, whatever form that takes. Take yourself on a walk, ideally in a beautiful park or other place. Walk slowly and deliberately and focus your attention on what you see, hear and smell around you.
Take the time to look at things you have seen a million times before, but see them in intricate detail without judging whether they are beautiful or not, or having any opinion at all just notice, observe and be. Make sure to have your phone off. This is your time to replenish yourself.
From my experience as a coach most of my clients have faced these feelings, at some point in their lives. I would love to hear about your own personal experience, to hear what worked for you.
What things have you tried or are doing right now to meet the love of your life?
Do you agree with what I have written? Do you agree that it is important to be able to love yourself and lower your defences, in order to be able to have longer and more fulfilling happier relationships? Do you feel inspired to try any of the above suggestions?
Get in touch
If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions and/or have other questions, please contact me via the online contact form or call me 07766 517497.